Called her last night to wish her a happy birthday. She sighed explosively into the phone and said:
“Mom. It is NOT my birthday until you are here.”
*beedeep-beep beep beedeep beeep deeep beeee! beeedeep beeeedeee peeeep*
This is a late-breaking bulletin from the south central region. Message follows:
*sounds of mortar fire and explosions*
Jesus Smoked Christ, we got a situation here! We’ve got incoming – massive incoming – and we have got to get a safe roue out! Get us some fucking covering fire and I mean right goddamn now!
Ahh, ladies and gentlemen of the Council, we have another report. One second while I queue it up….
*there is a distant wailing sound, like screaming heard from over a hill*
…requesting emergency bugout as soon as possible. I repeat, everything is dead – all the flora and fauna are shot to shit and if they aren’t dead they soon will be. I am the only surviving member of my team. Requesting emergency bugou…. *shrill whistling noise interrupts* …oh shit! It’s too late! It’s*huge explosion*
Council members. The entire region is unsafe…
*beedeep beep beep beep BEEP bedeep beep*
New incoming message follows:
Who IS this?
This Col. Das’Ich of the entire Forty-Fourth. I got a message for you cocksuckers. My people are dying droves out here. I need some backup and some cooperation. And I needed it hours ago. Now, I don’t give a good goddamn whose in charge but this situation is a total clusterfuck. Now you get them soldiers what they need to do their job or I will personally come up there and kick you everloving assholes into orbit.
I think that…*kaff kaff*…in light of this, err, message, we should rouse all primary substations and wake the central intelligence.
Sound the alarms. Battle stations, people. This isn’t going to be pretty.
Or so I imagine that is what happened in my subconscious as I as waking up. I woke up still feeling like shit. //BLEAH//
My nose is stuffy, my eyeballs feel like they’ve been sanded. Throat’s sore too. Also, because I am a moron – I was up until 8 AM reading. So I am exhausted into the bargain.
I think I’m gonna take some cold meds and take ‘er easy today. The most I am going to do is make a pot garlic soup and watch movies with Mister Man.
tomato slices + mozzarella cheese stick + bread n butter pickles.
in bad playact format for your amusement
CLOCK: 10:37 AM BLADDER: (small, quiet voice) Um? I'd...I'd like to pee now. ME: (somewhat muffled) go'way BLADDER: (voice somewhat firmer) No.I really do have to go. ME: (burrows further into bed) not listening to you BLADDER: But you drank a gallon of water when you got home last night. Plus, there were margaritas. Seriously, I gotta go. ME: (from under a small mountain of blankets) lalalalala! CLOCK: 10:43 AM BLADDER: (in the voice of Thulsa Doom) Get up now and empty me, peon!!!! ME: **leap out bed** Bathroom. On it. Righty-o!