I am not a morning person

I have one small, teeny-weeny, insy-winsy, picolo-pokalo request for the birds outside my window in the morning.

shut the fuck up.

No, seriously. I have a cat and I’m not afraid to use her. I could be on my porch before you could say “tweet!” and be hurling that cat at a hight rate of speed towards your loud-ass-at-five-thirty-in-the-goddamn-morning heads.

Flock of feathered doom outside my window: “Tweet-isn’t the not yet lit morning twitter! wooooooooonderful twEEt!?”
Me: grumbles to self, stuffs pillows over head
Flock of even louder feathered twits, maybe they called their relatives to join them, outside my window: “I SAID….TWEET, TWITTER, BURBLE!!! wake up sleepy heads!”
Me: GROWLS gets up and goes in search of a weapon
Cat: Mrr? Mrr? Mrrrmmmph!
Flock of soon to be annihilated feathery shits: “more of the same, joyful noise unto the morning O boy, O rapture!”
Me: Not enough coffee in the world to put up with you lot. FLING!
Cat: hums Superman theme Mrrrowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwooooooooooooooo!
Flock of shocked bird meats on the wing: collectively “ooooooooooooohffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkk!”
Me: heh heh heh

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2 thoughts on “I am not a morning person

  1. Ugh, we have one of those. It seems the bird that warns all of the other birds in the neighborhood that morning is coming (in a few hours) sits JUST outside our bedroom window. It chirps loud enough to be heard for miles, I swear.

    Closing the window helps, but morning air is crucial when the temps are hitting triple digits.

    At the very least I’ve considered getting a squirt gun.

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