Yeah, she’s a Leo…why’dya ask?

This morning as we were on our way to drop The Girl off at the YMCA I asked her if she had had good dreams last night.

“Oh, yes. I dreamt of bunnies.”
“Oh? Big bunnies?”
“Tiny little bunnies.”
“What color were they? Were they pink? Blue? Orange? Polka dotted?”
“Snow-white bunnies. And they made me their queen. And then, I became the sun.”

After we’d dropped her (with many admonishments to “have a fabu day!”) we continued on to T’s work. Somehow we got into a discussion of Toys That Are Evil and That Shouldn’t Be Given to Children. Ever. A lot of what we talked about had its roots in toys that go bad, esp. in movies. But I got to thinking and I realized that there are many toys that are evil.

Here, for your edification is a partial list:

Teddy Ruxpin: What were these people THINKING? A doll that talks, that you put tapes into? Uh-huh. Every parent knows (as Robin Williams once said) that that thing wakes up at night and says things like “You must kill Mommy and Daddy.”

My Mom once gave Summer a doll that said things like “I love you Mommy” in the most evil, insinuating voice, ever. I swear it rolled its eyes at me every time it said that. As you can imagine, that doll got lost *very* quickly.

Actually, just about any talking toy should be avoided. They’re creepy. What’s worse, is that they have a tendency to go off in the middle of the night while you are checking on your child. Picture this: you’re bending over the bebe, smoothing ruffled hair back off her forehead. Suddenly from underneath the bed comes this bright, perky voice. “Mike Wyzowski…on the job!” it declares. Loudly. Right next to your foot, where its poking under the dust ruffle.
“AAAAAAAAARGH!”
Why do these things go off spontaneously like that? Do the toymakers think its funny? Is there a little extra (a ‘daemon’, if you will) bit of programming included? (Subroutine F93Z, “scare the living shit out of the parents”, enabled….GO!)

Barbie clothes/shoes: Actually its more for two reasons. One – its not like the damn Barbies (at least in our house) *wear* clothes anyway. And two…”Barbie shoes” is actually a Swahili phrase that translates roughly as “Foot Mines”.

Polly Pockets. Anything in this line of toys should also be banned from sane households. They have thirty squillion parts and they’re all TINY. More foot mines and possible animal choking hazards.(*)

Matchbox cars Who besides me thinks these are just a prat fall waiting to happen? Hardware floors, staircases-you name it. Mark my words — one step onto a Matchbox car on a slick surface and you are doing a Three Stooges floordive.

Ello Essentially girl Leggos. These should be banned. Why on earth do we need gender-based leggos? *shakes head in disgust* Besides, they don’t work right. The little connectors fail after about the third time you use them.

* — my cats aren’t the brightest and Macha will try to eat anything that isn’t sealed into lead-lined containers.

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28 thoughts on “Yeah, she’s a Leo…why’dya ask?

  1. The most infamous toy in our household had to be my sister’s doll that cried “like a real baby.” It had sensors in its mouth and belly, and if you took out its pacifier it would cry until you hugged it or gave the binky back.

    One day it somehow got separated from its pacifier but didn’t start crying until the middle of the night, leaving my mother wandering the house in the wee hours and cuddling the “baby” while searching for its pacifier. Not long after that the doll disappeared for good.

    1. Yeah. That’s Baby ShouShou. Its from a European (German, French?) maker and it is teh evil.

      We found however that she is far less obnoxious with the batteries. pulled.

    1. That’s just freaky. I am all for alternating hair color but sheesh! The image of twisting the top of a doll’s head around is just creepy beyond belief.

      1. If you tell people about it now they usually ask if you’re making it up. Nope… my sister had one. I looked around for a picture on the internet, but couldn’t find a site that showed her with both hair colors. If you do find a pic of her blonde, though, you can usually see the brunette lurking behind her shoulders. She also wore a gold lame body suit. Gotta wonder about the lifestyle of the person who came up with the whole idea!

    1. Or Tickle Me Elmo for that fact.

      Tickle Me Elmo is on the banned list (and has been for a looong time) at my house. Not for any reason darker than I’ve got a sick sense of humor a camera and access to the Internet.

  2. My Barbies had the world’s largest wardrobe. About 3/4 were store-bought and knock-offs, and the other 1/4 were handmade clothes. Barbie is teh great; I’m not even sure what one does with Barbie besides dress her up and send her out on dates with Lucky Ken. [Ken has both kinds of luck: there’s usually one per every dozen Barbies, so he gets a lot of hetero dates. Unfortunately, he also has bad luck, since he can’t take off his own underwear and is probably gay…]

    But no Barbies got to keep their shoes. What would be the point? They’re caltrops, and it’s not like Barbie can walk in those things anyway– her feet are permanently mangled into “high heel” position!

    Matchbox cars are definitely fodder for slapstick.

    Girl Legos? I hope they’re not made by Lego! That would suck. Could you imagine the marketing meeting for that? “Let’s make a line of ugly, poorly-manufactured Legos, market them to girls, and ENSURE that the next generation of young women will continue to settle for second-best!”

  3. They use to sell a talking Winnie the Pooh that was programmed via a connection to the computer. I was half tempted to learn how the computer programmed it so that I could re-program it as the dirty old bear.

    Now if you could just imagine everything you know about Winnie the Pooh, but saying things like, "Hey, babe. Nice ass. Can I taste your honey?"

    While it was an intriguing idea for yet another side project, the resulting gains would have been questionable.

    1. *snicker* If you make it – send it to me. 🙂 That would be the only talking toy I could stand.

      One two conditions…

      It has to have James Earl Jones (or a reasonable facimile)’s voice and he has to talk with a Scottish brogue.

      Probably more info than you actually needed about my little quirks but hey!

  4. “Barbie clothes/shoes: Actually its more for two reasons. One – its not like the damn Barbies (at least in our house) *wear* clothes anyway. And two…”Barbie shoes” is actually a Swahili phrase that translates roughly as “Foot Mines”. ”

    LOVE IT… you must have visited my 5 yr olds room recently.

    Thanks for the read.

    (I wandered over from Ferrett)

  5. OK, I’m finally going to get to friending you back!

    Was the doll that said “I love YOU, mommy” called Heather? We used to sell them when I worked at Sears, and I always thought that they (you could adjust their responses to 6 months, one year, and two years) would be good for those nasty sorts of parents who only like leeeeetle baaaaaabieeeeeees, and get bored with their kids once they can form full sentences and develop independence. I always thought the unspoken follow-up to “I love YOU, mommy” was “So let’s KILLLLL Daddy!”

    1. I don’t remember her name. It could very well have been. She had sort of a western theme going for her.
      She also said things like, “Yeehaw!” and “Ride ’em cowgirl!”

      Did I mention that she got lost *really* fast?

  6. OK, to change the subject slightly (possessed dolls creep me the fuck out!), what is a *good* idea for birfday gifties? Besides non-talking ones? Dress-up clothes? School stuff? She has enough stuffed animals to last until Doomsday, but that does dominate her room.

  7. And on the opposite end of scary toys…

    my friend from high school – Bill-ze-bub – got one of those 30″ Aliens toys not too long after the 2nd movie (this was WAY back, ok) but found that the thing was just too darn creepy to have around… especially sleeping in an old house in the middle of a field in the middle of a forest in the middle of nowhere. So, he did what most any kid would do. He’d chunk the dang thing out of his room. Well, his mother, liking a tidy house would wander by after he was in bed asleep, find this monstrosity laying out on the floor/couch/etc and promptly take it back to his room. And she did what most any mother would (inadvertantly) do… she’d stand it up-right on the closest flat surface.

    Result? Kid who is creeped out by said toy in the dark awakens periodically over several nights to find said toy BACK in his room, standing up, and staring at him. Well, ok, staring is a bit much since the thing didn’t have eyes, but you get the idea.

    Result? 30″ Aliens toy gets instead left outside in the tall grass as a sacrifice to the Lawn Mower gods.

    1. But see so little actually creeps out the Girlie.
      Lemme give you an example. When she was about oh, I guess three or so she was rummaging amongst her Daddy’s toys and found a Mr. Sinister doll. A definitely freaky looking dude. J hold him up and goes, “ooh, scary! *rawr*” and sort of shakes the doll around. And what did the she do?
      Yeah, that’s right. Kissed him right on top of his pointy, plastic head.

      This is also the same child who regularly plays with the 2 foot Godzilla (she informs me that Godzilla got a raw deal in the movie) and the plush Cthulhlu. My husband thinks that this is funny, btw. I’m all like “Don’t give the Elder/Chaos god to the child” but nooooooooooo, he thinks its funny and encourages her to say things like, “IA! IA! IA, Pikachu!”.

      Stop laughing, its not funny.

      Mr. Sinister info for those what’s interested : http://www.marveldirectory.com/individuals/m/mrsinister.htm

      1. Ia! Ia! Fthaghn!

        Yeah it is!

        Our girl has a subscription (soon to be renewed) to the bunny of the month club PING! tho the prices have gone up since we first got ours.

        She’s got a two headed bunny, a siamese-bunny (2 heads, 2 arms, 3 legs, two bodies), a centaur-esque lamb, a cat whose head swivels around (one side is blue eyes the other red), an armless teddy-bear, a vampire-fanged bat-winged bunny, and errr… at least one (maybe two) other things. So, yeah, cute plushy chtulu is a good thing and should be actively encouraged.

  8. Actually, just about any talking toy should be avoided. They’re creepy

    Yep, and older brothers will be perfectly happy to pre-make their own tape to scare the bejesus out of younger sisters.

    45 min of silence so she’s nearly asleep, then…

    *snicker* The belt hurt for that one, but it was SO worth it.

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