*ponder*

One of the people on my friend’s list (theferret) posted about wanting to know the difference between girl’s and boy’s behavior in middle school.

It got me thinking.

There are things that I can only vaguely recall from my stint in middle school. I do remember that I was actively humiliated and harassed for a long time. It was horrible. A time when I was at my most physically unattractive and yet when my heart most needed to be liked and accepted.
I entered middle school pretty advanced puberty-wise. I’d gotten breasts by 8. By nine, I had my period. When you are that young and already developing, you look fat even if you aren’t. Added to that was the fact that I am tall and have always been tall for my age. I felt huge, esp compared to the hordes of tiny little girls all around me. I was told that I was a cow, a heifer. According to junior high wisdom, I had no grace, no allure, and absolutely no chance to ever achieve either.
To this day my ideal woman shape is short and petite. If we lived in a more cyber-punk age, I’d be at a body-shop taking 5 to 6 inches off my height and sculpting my body lines into a more androgynous shape. The fact that I’ve developed into a tall, well-curved woman with a tiny waist means *nothing* to me on a visceral level. In some small part of me, I will always consider myself to be that ungainly, fat person that gazed with envy at the teeny-tiny girls.

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6 thoughts on “*ponder*

  1. but tall and shapely = good!

    I know what you mean though, I got the same thing when I was in school. i’m still fat, but I can’t understand why anyone would find me cute. A couple of people have said that they do indeed find me such, and it freaks me out.

  2. Almost every time my husband (or my clan) pays me a physical compliment, I’m absolutely astonished that anyone could think such a thing about me.

    I’ve always been the tubby, pale kid with thick glasses, getting hassled for not being blonde, bronzed and overdressed.

  3. I coulda written that m’self, dear…well, except for the advanced puberty part, but being a fat kid, I always had boobs, anyway. I’m right there with ya with the name calling and derogatory remarks. Fuck ’em, I say. I’ve seen you before and I think that you are quite attractive. Yeah, having an ideal body would be nice, but then we’d just find something else to bitch about, yanno? Besides, I like your spicy braaaaaaaaaaaaains!!

  4. I think i’m at the opposite end of the spectrum as you… I was the last one in my grade to get my period and hit puberty… i was the smallest girl as well… one of the smallest in the school (only about 2 or 3 people were smaller)

    My 8th grade year (the year i got my period) i still had people telling me that i should “go back to my school” (ie. the grade school)

    I had curves once i did mature, but i was afraid of being seen by people, because i’d not had them for so long..

    then i went on birth control, and weigh 40-50 pounds more than i did when my husband and I met..
    and I feel fat.

  5. *nod* As you know, I went through the short person version of the same thing. I’ve never wanted to be taller, but I sure did want to be thin and small-breasted. And I had a brief moment of that in my early 20s, but didn’t notice/appreciate it enough. It really freaks me out, to think how thin I was when I thought I was fat…

  6. Part of it is what our society instills upon us. We’re raised with this image of the “ideal” woman, who is dangerously underweight and has small curves if any.

    I’ve been overweight all my life, with the exception of the past 3 years. Even now, after I’ve lost all the weight and been considered “small” for a couple of years, I still look in the mirror and see myself as fat. Old habits die hard.

    One of the most difficult things I ever did was stand in front of the mirror and tell myself I was pretty. I didn’t believe it at the time.

    Over the past year, I’ve gotten better, but there is a part of me that still sees myself as the “fat kid”. I wonder if that will ever go away.

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